|Feb. 15th, 2014 11:11 am V-Day|
I hope everyone had a nice Valentine's Day. Everyone deserves to have companionship and satisfaction in their lives.Leave a comment
And everyone deserves to have peace with themselves, regardless of what kind of outside support there is.
I wonder why Valentine's Day occurs in the winter, but then I realize it is probably the warm feelings that keep the cold at bay. A sort of balancing act of nature. Haha, everything's poetic.
I am becoming more aware of realistic expectations. That I am emphasizing the latter over the former as my life goes on. I have wonderful friends, wonderful experiences, though I realize it feels more and more like something it missing in my life. I think the best way to describe it is a sense of expression.
Over the years I've struggled with social anxiety especially in the dating realm. I have tried multiple strategies to improve things: listening to audio CDs on how to talk to women and people, relaxation techniques, group and individual therapy. I've even dug deep into OCD thinking and have made a lot of headway in awareness of what elements get in the way. I learned a lot about myself and why certain things were hard. It helped me bit by bit make progress in communicating to people.
I have made a ton of progress, but I have been ignoring what life is telling me: my dream of finding a strong, romantic relationship with someone is not easy, and it may never happen. I must accept this as a strong possibility if I am to go forward.
And I must do more than that. I must detach myself from even wanting it. For the hope -the expectation- gets in the way. Motivational speeches have their place. But there is something to be said for false hope, how it messes with you.
It is time I dropped this dream and created a new one. Companionship does not define a person. Being single has its strong advantages: you have more time with yourself, you can develop more fully as an independent human being. You have time to explore new interests and to go where you want, when you want.
Many people have trouble finding romantic relationships, and others have even more trouble maintaining them. Some people wish so badly to be single. Others wish so badly for companionship. Yet others are quite happy where they are.
All of life is temporary. Let's not waste time finding ourselves.
Today I will go shopping for ingredients: Turkey Chili in the Crockpot is my next project. I feel so much better making my own recipes. They taste so much better than prepackaged goods. It's time I got accustomed to using the crockpot. Ha, it was a birthday present from work back a few years ago. Better late than never.
Later I plan do homework and see a play (Oh gawd, a play? UTAPS had no schedule posted for the winter quarter, and suddenly one appears?)
|Feb. 9th, 2014 04:01 pm A cycle of chaos|
Conflict is inevitable.Leave a comment
We do our best to avoid pain
either way we are hurt, for different reasons.
bah, hurt, satisfaction, are merely two forms of the same thing.
emphasize not one and ignore the other.
what are the reasons behind this?
I want to see you again
to hug you
to see your smile and know it's because of me
and you tell me you feel the same way I do
missing what we had
the intelligent discussions and the feelings too
the same things I miss and I wonder
what is the part that tells you you don't want more?
it can't work. we can't be friends. the same thing will happen again.
unless we want that. a cycle of chaos.
no! bring emptiness. for this emptiness is rich now.
Loss makes you feel more human than anything.
It is a gift that feels like a curse.
|Jan. 28th, 2014 09:29 am Keep Moving Forward|
Leave a comment
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!"
"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."
|Jan. 28th, 2014 07:58 am Dark Matter|
Cosmology 101: Dark matterLeave a comment
Dark Matter has been a theory since 1932. 95% of the universe we cannot detect. And today we are still waiting to detect something despite our new experiments.
Dark Matter Experiment Has Detected Nothing, Researchers Say Proudly
"There's some other force out there or something on a cosmic scale that is counteracting the force of gravity," Panek explained. "People didn't believe this at first because it's such a weird result."
What's 96 Percent of the Universe Made Of? Astronomers Don't Know
Instead of calling this 'weird result' Dark Energy, I wonder if there is something more basic at work here. As Einstein proved that time changes itself to adapt to the speed of light (relativity), I wonder if space-time (gravity) changes itself to adapt over large distances of a galaxy. Just as the laws of physics are different on the very small scale (quantum mechanics) and laws are very different at large speeds (relativity), perhaps they are also different when large masses spread out over large dimensions (galaxies).
Perhaps there is no missing mass, just different physics.
Or maybe that's too crazy. It seems odd to me that something so massive eludes our detection even when it's so close to us (our galaxy) after 80 years of searching. Scientists seem confident that within 10 years we'll detect something..
|Jan. 28th, 2014 07:48 am What is the Universe Expanding Into?|
What is the Universe Expanding Into?Leave a comment
I wonder if it is useful to think of the "expanding" universe not as an outer shell getting bigger, but as new pockets of space being inserted into every point in the universe. It seems similar to seafloor spreading on the Earth -at fault lines deep under the ocean where "new crust" is created and moved like a conveyer belt, causing continents to move away from each other. So for the universe it's kind of like three-dimensional "space creation."
And since time is the 4th dimension and the Big Bang created both space and time, we could argue that these pockets are creating space-time. (What does it mean to create time?) I don't know but it seems to me if the three spacial dimensions are expanding the fourth one might be as well.
Yes, this is what I think of on an idle Tuesday..
|Jan. 25th, 2014 02:18 pm Unweave what's been weaved..|
Mental block go away.Leave a comment
I am somber.
To know everything that I thought was good about us was fake, a fantasy, a mirror. You were merely reflecting what you saw in me. The feelings I saw so genuinely were but a disguise. I didn't know it, nor did you.
It was confusing for us both.
I should have paid more attention. I am such a fool, to fall for my own preconceptions in the moment.
The way you answered, "Are you attracted to me?" should have shown me the truth. "Yes, when we're having intelligent conversations."
When you were smiling and telling me, "You have nice eyes" and "Your lips are nice" I should have known it wasn't real.
When you appeared the most pleased, the most happy, you felt the most dead, the most paralyzed. Inside. And I didn't know. I couldn't have known. But it doesn't stop it from being whatever it was. And that's.. nothing. Everything. All at once.
A hint of what I've hoped for my whole life made you feel dead inside. What a person I have become. This is what I give to people.
I should have KNOWN. But my senses deceive me. All. ALL of the good feelings produced between us beyond friendship are fake. False. A lie. A lie that was not intentional, but from our gut. The only thing that doesn't lie. Lied.
And now as we go on I don't know how to view you, or me, or us. We handled things very genuinely. With empathy, support, companionship, conversation, and it was as kind and gentle a way to go through this as anything. And it still hurts like hell.
How the heck do people even have relationships? I don't know if my soul can stand any more. And I don't know if hers can.
You are beautiful in class. Asking intelligent questions, that quirky smile giving a feeling of positive-ness. Whatever. Intelligent wit wrapped in humor. With a mysterious sly feeling, I don't know how to end this sentence so I'll just put a period at the end and hope for the best.
I'll look at you and wonder not what if, but what was. And what is.
To go from being close, deep, connected to nothing but friends and classmates that might "hang out for coffee" is stunning. Shocking. Impossible. Maybe possible. But there is a hole that cannot be filled with.. anything really.
I miss what was. Just two nights ago even. I miss what wasn't real. So perhaps I don't miss anything. A fantasy. In real-person form. I don't know what's real.
I don't even know if a woman can be attracted to me. It always feels fake. And when it seems real, it's more fake than ever.
I'm done with false emotions.
I will try to unweave what's been weaved for the past few months. It might take me a lifetime. But I'll try.
|Jan. 14th, 2014 08:04 pm Goodbye|
I miss what we had, even if it was only for a little while. Wish it could last longer but it was not meant to be. I'm thankful for having the opportunity. Time to move on..2 comments - Leave a comment
|Jan. 8th, 2014 12:26 am a note among a galaxy of strings..|
Did I really spend the last eight hours chatting with this girl?Leave a comment
I feel so natural with her.
|Dec. 31st, 2013 04:59 pm Hex Pizza|
I walked to Giordano's. I am meeting Hex, a girl who's into poetry, strange gender pronouns (I'm still trying to figure it out.. like.. she made her own pronouns? Who does that?). Well that sort of eclectic nature gets my attention.Leave a comment
Pressing the glass panel of the revolving door, I enter and approach three people at the fancy counter.
The woman looks up; her smile is a warm welcome on a frigid night. "Table?"
"I'm waiting for someone," I say, then I disappear into the shadows. The corner, that is.
I look around and don't see Hex. Leaning against the wall is my game.
I look at my watch.
Then a figure appears. Through the revolving door she goes.
"Hey Hex," I say. We hug and grab a table.
She takes off her jacket, revealing an attractive sparkly red sweater.
"That's awesome," I say.
"My grandmother gave it to me," she says.
She removes her hat, revealing her dark hair. It gives her a distinctive look. A friendly one, but hidden behind her smile is a strong-willed, assertive force. She's artistic, gutsy, intelligent, and eccentric. But this is based off of brief chats and her poetry readings. The things she chooses to show to an audience of strangers. I want to know more about the real her.
( +So what do you want?Collapse )
|Dec. 29th, 2013 06:56 pm Hex|
How to ask a girl out without asking her out.Leave a comment
me: Hey Hex! Have you ever been to Giordano's?
me: this must be alleviated! There's one in Hyde Park. Want to join me sometime, if you like pizza? (who doesn't haha?)
Hex: sure! what time were you thinking?
me: Cool, I'm free Wed or Fri afternoon
Hex: this week is a little iffy, bc i'm pretty sick right now, and so like, eating isn't the best thing >//< but maybe i'll be better by friday!
me: aw sorry to hear that, hope you recover soon. Yeah feel better by Friday. Pizza is waiting! haha
Hex: awesome! and thanks for asking (:
me: sure hehe
me: Hey Hex, are ya feeling better?
Hex: a little bit, yeah! but actually, we might have to postpone the pizza? a friend today reminded me that I'd go to get choir's thing that's happening tomorrow; I'd gotten the dates mixed up >\\\<;;
me: That's cool, enjoy the choir thing. Why don't you let me know when you're free?
In the meantime check this out: http://www.iflscience.com/plants-and-animals/prey’s-eye-view-eagle-flight
Hex: that's really cool! and i'll probably be free sometime next week, maybe wednesday evening?
me: Sure, Wednesday evening sounds good. How about we plan on 7:30pm? Sometimes it's easier for me to contact via text. May I have your number?
Hex: sounds good! my number's [number] (:
Hex: where are we meeting today?
me: Hey, Giordano's at Blackstone and 53rd
me: aye see ya tonight
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